2/19/2017 07:54:00 pm


torn between
craving the presence of friends
and thirsting for solitude
a hideout to tear off my mask
my tired my emotions;

a constant whirling of the brain
against my every will
overanalyzing every little action
every word and the 
nonexistent meanings between the lines;

blaming myself for every wrong
magnifying the micro faults into macro
i am personally culpable for the things i have not done
and do not take credit for those 
i put so much blood sweat and tears into;

as i become more aware of 
everything around me
and the mind cranking over excessively
those breaths which ironically 
were the simplest act of living
become harder to summon
so i panic and try to calm myself down
but that makes it worse;

every night a thunderstorm appears which
I pray and hope for the strength to endure
to pull through just enough
to witness the rainbow and spring thereafter;

consumed with desire for 
a sense of belonging
yet when I am surrounded by
my mind yearns for companionship
of another group of friends
it convinces me that i am happier with them
but in reality it is never fully content;

i beg for something to distract me
from this rude awakening called life
but whatever diversion there was 
it did nothing but stall
as after all the laughter and jokes
i am again
left with my own mind
that became a weapon of itself.

I do apologize for the dark clouds looming above this poem, the first week of school has mainly been smooth-sailing, thankfully, but somehow, piercing through the new friendships forged and memories being made, under it all is still the same me with insecurities and anxiety. Now and then it becomes so overwhelming I find myself having trouble breathing, and what makes it worse is that I misplaced my inhaler so the most I can do at that point in time is to try to calm myself down.

Recently I attended a performance put up by literature students. It comprised of small skits, recitals, songs, dances, and one portrayal (reading) of a poem "Depression" was the most dark and beautiful thing I have experienced all night. It was so relatable and artistically appealing.

I should also warn in advance that I won't be blogging so often in the future. School itself takes up so much time, and when I come home at 7pm or later there's homework to complete, but I'll try to make some time in the weekends.


  1. Making new friends is hard, but I'm sure you will manage just fine. Don't stress about blogging; mental health should always come first. :)

    1. You were right about making new friends being okay in the end, Marcin! Somehow blogging eases the mental health part though.


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