mind

torn between

craving the presence of friends

and thirsting for solitude

a hideout to tear off my mask

my tired my emotions;

a constant whirling of the brain

against my every will

overanalyzing every little action

every word and the 

nonexistent meanings between the lines;

blaming myself for every wrong

magnifying the micro faults into macro

i am personally culpable for the things i have not done

and do not take credit for those 

i put so much blood sweat and tears into;

as i become more aware of 

everything around me

and the mind cranking over excessively

those breaths which ironically 

were the simplest act of living

become harder to summon

so i panic and try to calm myself down

but that makes it worse;

every night a thunderstorm appears which

I pray and hope for the strength to endure

to pull through just enough

to witness the rainbow and spring thereafter;

consumed with desire for 

a sense of belonging

yet when I am surrounded by

people

my mind yearns for companionship

of another group of friends

it convinces me that i am happier with them

but in reality it is never fully content;

i beg for something to distract me

from this rude awakening called life

but whatever diversion there was 

it did nothing but stall

as after all the laughter and jokes

i am again

left with my own mind

that became a weapon of itself.

---------

I do apologize for the dark clouds looming above this poem, the first week of school has mainly been smooth-sailing, thankfully, but somehow, piercing through the new friendships forged and memories being made, under it all is still the same me with insecurities and anxiety. Now and then it becomes so overwhelming I find myself having trouble breathing, and what makes it worse is that I misplaced my inhaler so the most I can do at that point in time is to try to calm myself down.

Recently I attended a performance put up by literature students. It comprised of small skits, recitals, songs, dances, and one portrayal (reading) of a poem "Depression" was the most dark and beautiful thing I have experienced all night. It was so relatable and artistically appealing.

I should also warn in advance that I won't be blogging so often in the future. School itself takes up so much time, and when I come home at 7pm or later there's homework to complete, but I'll try to make some time in the weekends.