together we advance // 10 things

1. having graduated with a bang and my batch has left "a legacy" for the juniors to follow

2. the anticipation of the possibility of seeing him around

3. chats with my friend about my day at school and her day at home

4. the memories making me look forward

5. spiral notebooks, bound notebooks, stapled notebooks

6. the realisation that i've known some of these people for more than five years and will advance
together with them and work with them for the many years in the future

7. the unexpected murmur of "all the best"s from the shy guy as you head out from backstage onstage to perform

8. somehow being really proud of the person for having the courage to stand alone on the stage, singing a song in a foreign language and pulling it off well

9. the support of my friends and family, some who offer words of encouragement and assurance, and those "if anyone gives you trouble in your new school, i'm just a call away"

10. "let's cry while we eat" the desert that they prepared for us, their sincerity and care for us is felt through the sweet and tanginess we taste in our hearts.

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Since I'm gonna be busy, I'm aiming to blog frequently (at least twice a month hopefully), and this '10 things' format makes it slightly easier as it can be anything on my mind or the day.

2 weeks of school life down, the new and permanent timetable's out, with lots of homework and assignments out to get us but I will conquer them! Also there are some opportunities for extra learning and experiencing, one of which I've been selected for to represent the school.

mind

torn between

craving the presence of friends

and thirsting for solitude

a hideout to tear off my mask

my tired my emotions;

a constant whirling of the brain

against my every will

overanalyzing every little action

every word and the 

nonexistent meanings between the lines;

blaming myself for every wrong

magnifying the micro faults into macro

i am personally culpable for the things i have not done

and do not take credit for those 

i put so much blood sweat and tears into;

as i become more aware of 

everything around me

and the mind cranking over excessively

those breaths which ironically 

were the simplest act of living

become harder to summon

so i panic and try to calm myself down

but that makes it worse;

every night a thunderstorm appears which

I pray and hope for the strength to endure

to pull through just enough

to witness the rainbow and spring thereafter;

consumed with desire for 

a sense of belonging

yet when I am surrounded by

people

my mind yearns for companionship

of another group of friends

it convinces me that i am happier with them

but in reality it is never fully content;

i beg for something to distract me

from this rude awakening called life

but whatever diversion there was 

it did nothing but stall

as after all the laughter and jokes

i am again

left with my own mind

that became a weapon of itself.

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I do apologize for the dark clouds looming above this poem, the first week of school has mainly been smooth-sailing, thankfully, but somehow, piercing through the new friendships forged and memories being made, under it all is still the same me with insecurities and anxiety. Now and then it becomes so overwhelming I find myself having trouble breathing, and what makes it worse is that I misplaced my inhaler so the most I can do at that point in time is to try to calm myself down.

Recently I attended a performance put up by literature students. It comprised of small skits, recitals, songs, dances, and one portrayal (reading) of a poem "Depression" was the most dark and beautiful thing I have experienced all night. It was so relatable and artistically appealing.

I should also warn in advance that I won't be blogging so often in the future. School itself takes up so much time, and when I come home at 7pm or later there's homework to complete, but I'll try to make some time in the weekends.

anticipation

photo by me

It's almost 11pm, one hour away from my planned sleeping time.

Nine and a half hours from 8.30am tomorrow, where I will report to my new school.

To be honest, one word I'm feeling now- anticipation. I'm not fully just excited, because there will be new experiences to encounter and also, new habits to get accustomed to, such as wearing uniform, waking up early (6.30am compared to previous 8/9am), or being in a school, an institution. A brick-and-mortar-school now seemed to be in a different universe compared to homeschool.

But I am ready for this challenge, this new start. It feels like I have been homeschooled for a little bit longer than I should have. I'm thirsty for something new, something challenging. 

This photo above perfectly describes my mood now - if my words haven't been able to convey their meaning. 

With the current situation (broken-down, literally, house) behind him, 

he surveys the land at his feet, 

preparing himself mentally

for the feat that welcomes him.